Elvis Ate Dynamite

I promise, dear reader, that this is a nonjudgmental post. Nobody hates a buzzkill more than I do. This is just a post about … not getting buzzed.

Earlier this week, the Pogues’ Spider Stacy turned 67 (a wee bit older than I am) and posted a celebratory photo on Instagram. In it, Stacy’s smoking a cigarette and holding a can of Guinness Zero, the Dublin brewery’s entry into the non-alcoholic beer trend. And that photo made me feel vindicated.

Let me explain. This all goes back to late last June when some old high school friends invited my wife and me to a cookout on a Saturday afternoon. When we asked them what we could bring, they suggested NA beer. Now, I had not done any serious drinking for decades, but I still enjoyed an occasional beer on a Friday or Saturday night.

Nevertheless, being good party guests, Jennifer and I agreed to bring NA beer to their function.

Of course, this being the internet age, we went online to research the best NA beers available, and we came across Athletic Brewing, a company that sells only NA products. So, we bought a couple of different Athletic varieties (if memory serves, the Upside Dawn Golden and the Free Wave Hazy IPA) to the get-together. 

As it turns out, on this particular Saturday, we were driving into Chicago after the cookout to see a screening of Garland Jeffreys: The King of In Between, which our friend Claire Jeffreys produced, and then staying downtown overnight to march in the Chicago Pride Parade with our friends from Lambda Legal the next day. So, being asked to bring NA beer to the cookout was serendipitous: we didn’t want to drink the real thing and then hop in the car and drive a good 50 minutes into the city on a Saturday evening.

Anyway, we both tried the Athletic and we thought it was pretty good. And here’s what really caught my attention: It’s much lower in calories than comparable alcoholic beers. For example, the Upside Dawn Golden is 45 calories, which is considerably less than a standard light beer. Honestly, seeing that on the label really changed my perspective on drinking beer.

Since that fateful afternoon, we’ve tried a wide range of NA beers, including Krombacher o.0, Heineken Zero, Clausthaler, Stella Artois Zero, Guinness Zero, Blue Moon NA, and several other Athletic varieties. So far, the only one I have not particularly cared for is Budweiser 0.0, but, with apologies to Harry Caray, I’ve never been much of a Bud fan. 

And there’s an added bonus:  a lot of bars and restaurants serve NA beers these days, which means that when you go out for dinner or drinks, you don’t really have to worry about having a second or third (or, whatever — as I said, no judgment). Not only are you okay to drive despite indulging in a few beers, you haven’t ingested very many calories either. So, it’s a big win, as far as I’m concerned.

But, as I often boast, I’m half Irish and all lawyer. So, should I really drink NA beer? I mean, what if we traveled to Ireland again — for the fourth time in a few years — and we’re at Murray’s Pub or Bruxelles and I ordered a … Guinness Zero. Would my Sainted Irish Mother (who didn’t really drink that much, as it happens) turn in her grave? Would the statue of the late, great Phil Lynott lurch off its base, march into the bar, and smack the pint out of my hand? 

No, of course not. Because Irish culture is not, in fact, about drinking in a pub in Grafton Street. 

And even if that’s a small part of it, I’ve got Spider Stacy in my corner. Sure, he’s from the UK, but so was Shane MacGowan. The important point is that he’s a Pogue. A real, live, actual Pogue. Drinking Guinness Zero.

If he can do it, anyone can.

Not saying you should, mind you. But you can.